Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Tired

I hate that I haven't been on top of my blogging. I miss sharing glimpses into my life and interesting things I've observed or thought about. I'm just tired.

Part of the exhaustion is to be expected-a 7.5 month old, a toddler, a working mom, a wife, a husband, a commuter. There just isn't enough time in the day. In the evenings after dinner is made, kids are bathed, preparations for the next day are done I'm all out of air and can hardly hold up a book or push the buttons on the remote.

I don't like feeling this way and everything is suffering.

Piles to go through in nearly every room. Laundry that seems to take forever to put away. Papers that need to be filed. Halloween costumes that need to be completed. Way too many overdue library books and fines to pay.

I've been so mentally tired that I have a hard time churning up good ideas to write about. At work there has been an unresolved issue I've been collaborating on with a very articulate, detail oriented, driven colleague and I'm just the middle man. I'm thankful he has the situation under control because I just don't have the mental energy to comprehend the lengthy back and forth emails discussing the issue.

I don't really see an end in the near future to the exhaustion. I just have to keep on keepin' on but would love your coping mechianisms. What do you do to stay focused? Stay alert? Be menatlly awake enough to be mentally challenged?

Three cups of coffee a day isn't sustainable!

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

It's not all bad

Sophia is 3 1/2. Tantrums and strong will is part of her repertoire right now. But it's not all bad.

Her general fits for nothing have simmered since she started preschool. She seems to thrive with the daily routine and knows what is coming next. She really likes school. My fears about this transition have subsided. She looks forward to school each day, loves getting to drive to work with "my Papa", likes having a lunch packed each day, and loves to tell me about what she does and her classmates.

I love writing her notes for her lunch each day. It is a challenge sometimes to come up with what to write but it's a little bit of me that gets to go with her each day. Special things that are love notes just between us.

I LOVE getting her folder of notes, papers, permission slips, and artwork. But my favorite thing is the Scholastic Book order. I was transported to my elementary school days when she brought her first book order and had to keep my pocket book in check as I thumbed through the pages deciding what to order for her. I settled on a three pack of Berenstain Bears books. They are as much for me as they are for her.

A non-school related thing that is wonderful about Sophia? She thanks Phillip and I for making her dinner nearly every night. This was unprompted and started many months ago. After we say grace she will address whomever made dinner and say "Thank you for making dinner Papa/Mama." I don't know where she picked this jem up but I hope she says it forever because it makes me melt and I think she truly appreciates the work we put into providing a meal for her!

Monday, October 03, 2011

Mom Guilt

I have been in a funk since Saturday night. I feel awful and scared. I can only imagine the invisible scars Sophia is brandishing.

I was handling the kids lone ranger Friday and Saturday night. Friday was a treat for Sophie-dinner and a movie, popcorn on the couch, bedtime at 9:30pm. Just the two of us once Emma was off to sleep.

Saturday was a delight of the senses. Awesome fall weather-cool and crisp, a walk to the bakery for a Red Truck Sugar cookie then off to the Farmer's Market and later in the afternoon shopping for items for her Halloween costume and a stop at Effie's, our favorite ice cream spot. Just the girls. We had a pretty good weekend. Until bedtime Saturday night.

After brushing teeth, washing up, jammies, and books it was bedtime. Sophia protested from the moment I said Bedtime. Kicking, screaming, unyielding to compromise. Stiff body and flailing limbs as I tried to pick her up and put her in bed.
"I don't want to go to bed. "
"I don't want to do anything."
"It's too dark in here."
"I want to keep the light on."
"I'm not tired."

I had set Emma in her crib while dealing with Sophia. Our screaming just upset Emma so all three of us were crying and screaming. I muscled Sophia into bed only to have her challenge me and get out. I caved.

I let her sleep in our bed until Phillip returned home later that evening.

When Phillip went into our room to move Sophia from our bed to hers, she woke up again. It was midnight. This woke me up too. She started protesting again. Full on fit. Round 2! Her crying and screaming woke Emma up.

Both tanturms were just awful. It made me angry that I planned and did special things with her earlier in the weekend.  Angry that I yelled at her. Angry that I give in. Angry that I allow her to manipulate me.

I carried this anger with me throughout the day today. Frustrated that I don't know how to better handle these situations. Concerned that there is something bigger at the root of Sophia's tantrums. Worried that Emma is only absorbing our attitudes and will see these as normal behaviors.

I vowed that I will practice my patience and pray that we can figure out a better way to work through these tantrums and learn how to resolve them in a more calm, loving manner.