When the milk runs dry

After nearly 10 months of nursing the journey Emma and I have been on is coming to an end. I'm not ready to be done nursing and Emma still takes to the breast very willingly. But my milk supply is just not what it used to be.

It was great to have time off during the holidays because I could nurse often, and not have to pump so much, but I also think we were up three or four times a night because she is only getting snacks and not full feedings while nursing. Sometimes I wish our breasts were translucent so we could actually see how much milk is in there and what our little nurslings are consuming!

I'm frustrated because I feel like my body is failing me. Not keeping up it's end of the bargain. Granted I have successfully nursed Emma 2 1/2 months longer than I was able to nurse Sophia but I was really hoping to make it the full year.

I counted the ounces in my freezer last night - 45oz. I send 15oz. of milk a day to daycare...you can do the math. Remember my stockpile? It's all but gone.

I tried fenugreek, I tried nettle, I tried oatmeal. Each pumping I have to work to get 1.5oz. Supply is not keeping up with demand.

The emotional component of nursing it perhaps what is most difficult. I feel that the end of nursing really signals that Emma is no longer an infant, no longer a baby. I won't get that daily, continuous, calming, closeness nursing provides.

And to boot, while cleaning out her lunch bag from day care, she didn't finish 2 ounces of a bottle. 2 ounces of precious liquid gold. 2 ounces that could get us through half of another feeding. 2 ounces that these days takes me 15-20 minutes to remove from my breast. Wasted.

I grounded Emma after that but I don't think she understood. I think she just grinned and clapped.

I will keep pumping until the well is really dry. I am so not ready to be at the end of this road.

"Princess Sofia"

My sister-in-law sent me this story the other day. Having a daughter named Sophia, I had to read it.

Ugh.

I have a love hate relationship with the Princesses. I grew up watching them. Love Cinderella. My middle name is Aurora (as is Sophia's) and I married a Phillip thus we are a living Sleeping Beauty (Princess Aurora and Prince Phillip-minus the sleeping thing and white horse and fairies following me around...) But as I have grown older and studied Media Literacy and the damaging effects of the Princesses....I cringe.

I am reluctant to overly encourage and share Princess stuff with Sophia. I prefer her to watch the more neutral movies and TV programs like Winnie the Pooh, Cat in the Hat, Fireman Sam, etc. and if we are going to watch a movie I'm glad she will pick Cars over a princess.

But Princess Sofia? It's over the top for me. She is targeted for girls age 2-7. She is "the purple-gowned kiddie princess. She becomes a princess when her mom marries the king of her storybook world." Disney assures us "That the inner character of kindness, generosity, loyalty, honesty and grace make you special, not the dress you wear." But when you have a 'kiddie princess' in a sparkly purple gown and tiara leaving in a castle and being a part of her MOM's STORYBOOK WORLD??? you are not going to be teaching my daughter much to relate to.

This Mom's Storybook world includes a husband who works very hard and carries the weight of his family's little world on his shoulders.

Two 'princesses' who cry, still have potty accidents, have tantrums, and hug you so fiercely you fall over.

While our 'castle' keeps us warm and dry the girls share a room and a dresser and a closet. We all share one small bathroom.

The have matching fuzzy footie pajamas that I bought on sale and to boot it was buy one get one free! I spent $8.80 total on their Christmas jammies.

There aren't a lot of sparkly new dresses and "bling" to wear. Our storybook includes making the food in the pantry and freezer stretch until pay day and having to say No to a box of band-aids because I literally didn't have the $1.99 to buy the fancy box of boo-boo fixers.

I hope Princess Sofia doesn't infiltrate my Princess Sophia's little world. 

Validation

As I play the mental slideshow of Halloween's past in my mind I see glimpses of my Mom sewing, scavenging items from her jewelry drawer, putting her rouge to my cheeks and then cold cream to my face to wash it off. There are pillowcases of candy, sorting and swapping on the living room floor, and gracious sharing (because, ew, I'm not going to eat that) that weird black and orange candy, the Baby Ruth and Almond Joy with my parents.

Costumes that appear in my mind are clowns, gypsies, a Rubiks Cube, my sisters and I as Marcia, Jan, and Cindy, a bag of jelly beans, Snow White. All fabricated, none bought new. The costumes were hand sewn from patterns by my Mom, put together out of things around the house, or gathered from Goodwill.

So now that Sophie is really old enough to understand the fun of costume and trick or treat it is my turn to create. I don't think I'm nearly as handy on the sewing machine as my mom but I can put thread to fabric and hold it together even if it is not pretty.

Sophie mentioned at some point late this summer she wanted to be an octopus. After a little thought I figured out how we could create this sea monster in a fun, not scary, whimsical way. I sewed ladies knee high tights to a pair of back leggings, added a black long sleeve shirt, a winter hat with felt eyes hot glued on! Viola! An octopus.

Going with the ocean theme I decided Emma would be a mermaid. Her costume was a bit more labor intensive and required some planning and sewing. Phillip, the son of an engineer, was able to help me figure out how to make a pattern for the tail, piece all the fabric together so the right sides were on the outside, and sew it together. Felt seashells hot glued to a white onesie and a blonde wig to complete the ensemble and we were done! (Okay, so all actually took a lot longer than this but you get my point-not a lot of pieces, not complex sewing techniques.)

The pattern for Emma's tail

Our first trick or treat event was at Wegman's Grocery store the Friday before Halloween. Phillip was out of town so I took the kids to the store solo for this event. It was awesome! Sophia, I think for the first time in her life, was genuinely excited about something. She squealed in delight from her car seat, overflowing with tentacles, 'I'm so EXCITED!" The event was safe, warm, well-lit, and just fun to see the other kids going about from the deli to the bakery to the florist trick or treating. Shoppers with and without kids enjoyed seeing all the wee ones in costume.

On the way to Wegmans!

By the end of the night I nearly had to shield my eyes-I was nearly famous. "Wow, did you make that?" "Oh my gosh honey, look how cute that girl is." "That is the neatest costume I've ever seen!" "You really made that by hand?" You would have thought I had hand sewn an evening gown.

I thought all moms made their kids Halloween costumes. But boy was I wrong. Adults, moms, clerks, people without kids couldn't stop looking at Sophia's costume! It did feel awesome but was  a little embarrassing towards the end of the night with so much attention. It was just fun for me to do. And inexpensive. And creative. And Sophia LOVES it. She loves the costume, loves wearing it, loves twirling her tentacles.

Sophie the Octopus and Emma the Mermaid

Emma's costume was awesome too but more enjoyed through photographs since I didn't make a way for her to wear her tail in her bucket and be strapped in at the same time.

I can't wait for next year!

Happieness is measured in ounces

I think I've figured out the key to my happiness at least while I'm lactating.

Phillip went to a conference today so I had to wrangle the girls by myself all day. Emma was up at 6:00am and wasn't convinced that snuggling in bed with me after I nursed her was going to be enjoyable so we were up and at 'em.

I sent up a quiet little prayer to please have Sophia stay in bed past 6:30am figuring she had stirred when I went to retrieve Emma.

Sophia stayed in bed and Emma was content in her swing so I could do some work on the computer. This lasted until 7:30am. I figured we would make the most of our day.

Although I'm challenging myself with giving up sugar I'm only about 85-90% compliant! We headed up to the local bakery for a breakfast treat and great coffee. Then to the library to drop a few things in the overnight box followed by our weekly trip to the farmer's market.

I pushed a smiley, content little miss Emma in the stroller and played the "hand squeeze" game with Sophie as we walked through town. Her soft paw nestled in mine. Home again, home again jiggity jig.

Nursed Emma, read some books on the couch and off to Target. Both girls were angels in the store. We didn't have any tantrums. I wasn't bored or annoyed by Sophia's demand to look at the toys-because she never asked this trip.

After lunch both girls napped! Emma-for at least three hours. She even woke up a bit and let me get her back to sleep. I was prepared for a protest. Their naps allowed me to work on finishing up work on a reference list for a paper our neighbor is writing.

Sophia played with the neighbor kids. We had Chick-fil-A for dinner. I got all three of us in our jammies. More nursing, more books. Another jump off the wagon-Ghirardelli Chocolate Chip Brownies...fresh out of the over, still oooey gooey, chocolaty. Sophia looked at me while eating her morsel of a brownie and said "thank you for making brownies mama." If the chocolate isn't enough to make me melt, that is!

No fights. No tantrums. No sitting in the corner. No begging. Just two well behaved girls.

Sophia to bed. Emma to bed. Kitchen cleaned. Wine poured.

And the happiness in ounces you ask? 4 ounces of expressed breast milk. Usually the last pumping of the day I'm lucky to get 2 ounces and that's if I eviscerate my breasts.

The only thing that would have made today better is if Phillip would have been home!

Maternity leave and transitions

This is my last week of maternity leave. As always, it has gone by way to fast. The days have been filled with a baby and toddler, lots of visitors, trips to Ohio and North Carolina, learning the balancing act, photos, snuggles, bubbles and sidewalk chalk, trips to the park and lots of love.

I hate this week because I have to face the fact that I am a full-time working mom. I wish our family/work/life situation allowed us to afford being a SAHM or WAHM but right now it doesn't it.

I sent Sophia to daycare for the full day today so Emma and I could hang out just the two of us. I wanted to spend the whole day just nursing her and staring at her. We did a lot of that but because she is pretty content just to be fed I had to do a lot of other household chores today too. Currently she is sound asleep in her swing sucking on her fingers and just generally being an angel. The love I have for my two girls overwhelms me sometimes.

The love I have for them breaks my heart that I have to leave them each day and go to work. But I realize that because of this love I MUST work.

I'm also having a difficult time with our transition for Sophia's daycare next year. She will be going to full day preschool where my husband works because they offer full tuition remission for the first child. This will save us a lot of money. Emma will go to the daycare Sophia is currently attending. I have struggled with the fact that Sophia will be in her fourth care/learning environment in three years. That she will be with new kids again and leaving her old friends behind at the daycare. That she won't be with her little sister during the day. That her little sister will be dropped off first and I fear she will be like "hey, why am I not going with her?" Sophia LOVES Miss Jackie and Miss Ellen so much!

We have the summer ahead of us and my husband will be with the girls nearly everyday but come fall I'm just not ready for the changes. Everyone keeps telling me that it is good for Sophie to be so flexible and adaptable but I'm having problems with it.

Well I guess I better go stare at Emma for a bit before we have to get Sophia. I'll enjoy the heck out of these next few days.

Birth

You would think that 10 weeks after giving birth to Emma I would be over it. On to other things like her cute giggles, smiles, interactions between her and her big sister. But I'm not. I think about her birth nearly everyday. The contractions, the one fleeting moment of doubt, the warmth of the water in the birth pool, feeling her crown and the "ring of fire" and then her alive, alert, tiny body on my chest. I don't just think about her birth, I fantasize about it.

I fantasize about my next birth. My next pregnancy. The next time I will be able to feel that deeply intimate connection between me and my baby when they pass into this outer world.

When I had Sophia I remember saying and thinking the rest of our kids would be adopted because I wasn't going through that again-and I didn't really have that difficult labor and delivery. But now to know what a truly powerful birth can be like is a complete mind shift. I feel more empowered as a mother, a woman, a bearer of children than I ever could have thought possible.

But before you think I've really lost my marbles I can assure you we won't be trying to get pregnant for a few more years. We are enjoying being parents of a toddler and a squishy and adorable infant. For a few more years I will live vicariously through many friends that currently expecting. But I do want to share this poem to all mothers-regardless if they are newly pregnant, on the verge of welcoming their little one, or are done having babies. The message is unmistakable.

I found this on the Empowering Birth Blog.

Invitation to Birthing From Within Mothers

With thanks to Oriah Mountain Dreamer for inspiration

It doesn't interest me how many prenatal books you've read,

I want to know if you hear your child whisper to you

when you lie awake at night.

It doesn't interest me who you are

or where you came from,

I want to know if your authentic mother warrior will awaken

when you birth your baby with all that you have.

It doesn't interest me if you have a birth plan

or where you plan to give birth.

I want to know that you will meet your birth

with an open mind and open heart.

I want to know if you can fully embrace the path

you must journey

to birth yourself as a mother.

It doesn’t interest me if you birth in silence

or as a lioness roars.

I want to know if you are willing to do

whatever it takes to birth your baby,

regardless of how you look,

how you sound,

or what others may think.

I want to know if you are willing to journey

to your depths and through the unknown.

It doesn't interest me how many stitches you get,

I want to know how you are moving in your body.

I want to know if you can take each movement

of your achy dripping body

and know that it has done a marvelous, miraculous thing.

It doesn't matter to me how you feed your baby.

I want to know if you are willing

to nurture your baby

from the depths of your soul and with

unconditional love.

I want to know if in the dark of night,

you can raise your tired bones and weary spirit

and do what needs to be done to care for your children

I want to know if you are willing to give up

your judges and ideals of a perfect parent

and surrender to your heart

and belly

to love your baby until you ache.

This work was compiled and edited by Juji Woodring with contributions from Alejandrina in AZ, Lia from South Africa, Alisa from Texas, Charlene, and Tamara D.

Mother's Day

I'm still not used to this holiday. This will be my third "Mother's Day" and I don't know what to feel. Isn't everyday Mother's Day? We tend to our children. Give them our love and affection-hope they reciprocate it!

Mother's Day to me is not a holiday in May but the day my children were born. The most selfless act of love was enduring the pains of labor and feeling them descend from the womb through my body and into the world. The joy and excitement and love that makes your heart grow three sizes-that is the ultimate Mother's Day for me.

I feel blessed to have been able to share this intimate experience with my Mom twice now. She was by my side when Sophia was born. Rubbing my back, putting cool compresses on my forehead, wasn't offended when I told her to stop touching me when I was in the final stage of labor, and although she swore she was going to stay "north" during the birth she was their encouraging me and cheering me on during the hour and a half of pushing-just like she was their on the sidelines of a soccer game telling me to run!

And again just two months ago Mom was in my bedroom fearlessly watching me give birth to our second daughter in a pool of water. Something she was skeptical about but knew it was what I wanted and is now a "convert."

These moments are what make me feel like a mother. And these are the moments I choose to reflect upon today. Not chocolate or shiny things or the desire to be left alone but the moment I became a mother and my mother became a grandmother yet again. Perpetuating what motherhood is all about. And one day I hope I can share the experience of becoming a mother with my girls when they are ready to have children of their own.

Happy Mother's Day!