Maternity leave and transitions

This is my last week of maternity leave. As always, it has gone by way to fast. The days have been filled with a baby and toddler, lots of visitors, trips to Ohio and North Carolina, learning the balancing act, photos, snuggles, bubbles and sidewalk chalk, trips to the park and lots of love.

I hate this week because I have to face the fact that I am a full-time working mom. I wish our family/work/life situation allowed us to afford being a SAHM or WAHM but right now it doesn't it.

I sent Sophia to daycare for the full day today so Emma and I could hang out just the two of us. I wanted to spend the whole day just nursing her and staring at her. We did a lot of that but because she is pretty content just to be fed I had to do a lot of other household chores today too. Currently she is sound asleep in her swing sucking on her fingers and just generally being an angel. The love I have for my two girls overwhelms me sometimes.

The love I have for them breaks my heart that I have to leave them each day and go to work. But I realize that because of this love I MUST work.

I'm also having a difficult time with our transition for Sophia's daycare next year. She will be going to full day preschool where my husband works because they offer full tuition remission for the first child. This will save us a lot of money. Emma will go to the daycare Sophia is currently attending. I have struggled with the fact that Sophia will be in her fourth care/learning environment in three years. That she will be with new kids again and leaving her old friends behind at the daycare. That she won't be with her little sister during the day. That her little sister will be dropped off first and I fear she will be like "hey, why am I not going with her?" Sophia LOVES Miss Jackie and Miss Ellen so much!

We have the summer ahead of us and my husband will be with the girls nearly everyday but come fall I'm just not ready for the changes. Everyone keeps telling me that it is good for Sophie to be so flexible and adaptable but I'm having problems with it.

Well I guess I better go stare at Emma for a bit before we have to get Sophia. I'll enjoy the heck out of these next few days.

Birth

You would think that 10 weeks after giving birth to Emma I would be over it. On to other things like her cute giggles, smiles, interactions between her and her big sister. But I'm not. I think about her birth nearly everyday. The contractions, the one fleeting moment of doubt, the warmth of the water in the birth pool, feeling her crown and the "ring of fire" and then her alive, alert, tiny body on my chest. I don't just think about her birth, I fantasize about it.

I fantasize about my next birth. My next pregnancy. The next time I will be able to feel that deeply intimate connection between me and my baby when they pass into this outer world.

When I had Sophia I remember saying and thinking the rest of our kids would be adopted because I wasn't going through that again-and I didn't really have that difficult labor and delivery. But now to know what a truly powerful birth can be like is a complete mind shift. I feel more empowered as a mother, a woman, a bearer of children than I ever could have thought possible.

But before you think I've really lost my marbles I can assure you we won't be trying to get pregnant for a few more years. We are enjoying being parents of a toddler and a squishy and adorable infant. For a few more years I will live vicariously through many friends that currently expecting. But I do want to share this poem to all mothers-regardless if they are newly pregnant, on the verge of welcoming their little one, or are done having babies. The message is unmistakable.

I found this on the Empowering Birth Blog.

Invitation to Birthing From Within Mothers

With thanks to Oriah Mountain Dreamer for inspiration

It doesn't interest me how many prenatal books you've read,

I want to know if you hear your child whisper to you

when you lie awake at night.

It doesn't interest me who you are

or where you came from,

I want to know if your authentic mother warrior will awaken

when you birth your baby with all that you have.

It doesn't interest me if you have a birth plan

or where you plan to give birth.

I want to know that you will meet your birth

with an open mind and open heart.

I want to know if you can fully embrace the path

you must journey

to birth yourself as a mother.

It doesn’t interest me if you birth in silence

or as a lioness roars.

I want to know if you are willing to do

whatever it takes to birth your baby,

regardless of how you look,

how you sound,

or what others may think.

I want to know if you are willing to journey

to your depths and through the unknown.

It doesn't interest me how many stitches you get,

I want to know how you are moving in your body.

I want to know if you can take each movement

of your achy dripping body

and know that it has done a marvelous, miraculous thing.

It doesn't matter to me how you feed your baby.

I want to know if you are willing

to nurture your baby

from the depths of your soul and with

unconditional love.

I want to know if in the dark of night,

you can raise your tired bones and weary spirit

and do what needs to be done to care for your children

I want to know if you are willing to give up

your judges and ideals of a perfect parent

and surrender to your heart

and belly

to love your baby until you ache.

This work was compiled and edited by Juji Woodring with contributions from Alejandrina in AZ, Lia from South Africa, Alisa from Texas, Charlene, and Tamara D.

Sisters, Sisters....

"There were never more devoted sisters..."

Eight weeks into their sibling-hood and they still like each other! Well Emma doesn't really have a choice right now but Sophia does!

I was really expecting some "Mama put her back!" or "Can't she go away now?" But Sophia has really been nothing but enamored with Emma since she arrived. She just LOVES Emma. She is quick to get a pacifier or oversee a diaper change. She has frequently let Emma 'borrow' her green blanket and Smokey Bear. And she loving test drives all of the soft, squishy stuffed animals Emma has received as gifts to make sure they are worthy of her little sister's love.

The other thing Sophia is sharing with her little sister? Her bedroom.

I finally started putting Emma to bed in her crib about two weeks ago. This has gone better than expected but started out rough. The first night I put her in her crib I had the monitor on and couldn't sleep worth a darn. I couldn't decipher Sophia's noises from Emma's noises. I slept with my head in a precarious angle to keep an ear toward the monitor. I think Emma slept for about three hours before I retrieved her for nursing. I think she could have slept longer but because I couldn't sleep I mistook her grunts and moans as a feeding cue. The next night was better but I still prematurely got her from bed. I carried her into our room to nurse but upon laying her down in the bed she slept for three more hours!

Sophia doesn't really seemed to be bothered by Emma's cries or little grunts when sleeping. When I go in the room at night to get Emma sometimes Sophia will sit up in bed and look at us but then goes right back to sleep. Other times she continues to sleep right through. I was worried that she would wake up each time and want to join us in bed. Luckily for all of us, this is not the case.

The other thing that has amazed me about these two small creatures sharing a room and space in general is their absolute oblivion to one another. They both seem to tune out each other's cries, tantrums, fits, etc. It's like the other doesn't exist. They just go about their business without a care in the world. Sophia often is right in Emma's face when she is crying and only tries to console her little sister "It's okay Emma, it's okay." And then she'll try to soothe her with a pacifier! Emma apparently completely blocks out Sophia's tantrums as if she can hear nothing.

"We think and we act as one
Those who've seen us
Know that not a thing could come between us"

After two kids adding more is a breeze

I now understand why so many parents of three or more kids say that after having two kids you can handle anything!

It is amazing how much juggling you have to do to get everything done. My mornings seem to be a guessing game of who is going to cooperate with me, who is going to cry, can I get a shower in, will I be able to have breakfast?

It look forward to Monday - Wednesday when Sophie goes to preschool for a little down time and some one-on-one time with Emma but it always seems rushed or filled with quick errands. So a lot of it is in the car out of the car with Emma. Then once home feeding again and trying to get the girls down for a nap.

Each day is a see-saw of in the car out of the car, entertain one, feed the other. Up down, in out.

Adding another kid to the mix will add another layer of organized chaos but by then I'll have the whirlwind figured out and Sophie will really be able to help with her younger siblings.

And since K from Two Adults, One Brown Baby requested it....here are some photos of the darlings.

What I've learned in a month

Sunday was Emma's one month "birthday." Today we had her one month well baby check up. I've learned a lot in the past month.

Emma does not like a dirty diaper. She prefers to be clean and dry at all times. I guess I can't blame her.

Emma does not like the "bucket" or car seat as most refer to it.

Emma does not really like the swing or baby papasan chair but slowly warming up to them.

Emma gets told "hold on a minute love bun!" a lot as I have to tend to Sophia or some other household something or other.

Emma loves to be held. I think she prefers the warmth of my body and sound of my heart and breath. The first three months really are like the fourth trimester!

I've learned that children are a lot like snowflakes-no two are alike.

Emma weighed in at 8 lbs. this morning and 22.5 inches long. I can't really believe that she has grown 2 inches since birth but only gained 6 ounces. But her 0-3month clothing is actually starting to fit.

Happiness is a happy child

I want to press rewind and play on yesterday-over and over and over again until I've played it so much the tape breaks where the film is worn.

I picked Sophie up from Phillip in the afternoon because he had to attend a meeting. Sophie was excited to see me, greeted me with hugs and a kiss. We drove home talking about cows and horses as we passed by the many farms in our neck of the woods. We talked about seeing Doodle and playing on the porch. Together we sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and I wowed her with "Row Row your Boat" and my amended version of "Bringing Home a Baby Bumble Bee."

When we checked the mailbox there was a letter and Elmo stickers from Aunt Mimi. We used three sheets of stickers in less than five minutes. I have since hidden two of the sheets so we have some to enjoy later.

We made dinner. Without prompting Sophie snatched her salad bowl off the counter and carefully carried it out to the deck table. She came back in to help bring out place mats and napkins. She ate most all of her dinner after eating part of an apple, 1/2 of a fruit cup, one chocolate Easter egg, and a piece of cheese. She didn't spill anything by accident or intentionally. After dinner she asked to get down from her chair and played on the deck while Phillip and I talked about our day at work. Then Sophie returned to the table to help bring the dishes inside. She delicately juggled my empty wine glass and the tub of Parmesan cheese across the deck, up the stair, into the house and to the counter.

She accepted that she needed a bath. We showered and she scrubbed herself and washed her hair. Jammies, hair combed, and teeth brushed.

We read several books in her room and then it was time for night night. Kisses and hugs all around. We had an evening of play, love, cooperation, helping, no tantrums or out bursts. Pure joy. And only two blood curdling screams when we left her room and closed the door. Nothing is truly perfect!