Mom Guilt

I have been in a funk since Saturday night. I feel awful and scared. I can only imagine the invisible scars Sophia is brandishing.

I was handling the kids lone ranger Friday and Saturday night. Friday was a treat for Sophie-dinner and a movie, popcorn on the couch, bedtime at 9:30pm. Just the two of us once Emma was off to sleep.

Saturday was a delight of the senses. Awesome fall weather-cool and crisp, a walk to the bakery for a Red Truck Sugar cookie then off to the Farmer's Market and later in the afternoon shopping for items for her Halloween costume and a stop at Effie's, our favorite ice cream spot. Just the girls. We had a pretty good weekend. Until bedtime Saturday night.

After brushing teeth, washing up, jammies, and books it was bedtime. Sophia protested from the moment I said Bedtime. Kicking, screaming, unyielding to compromise. Stiff body and flailing limbs as I tried to pick her up and put her in bed.
"I don't want to go to bed. "
"I don't want to do anything."
"It's too dark in here."
"I want to keep the light on."
"I'm not tired."

I had set Emma in her crib while dealing with Sophia. Our screaming just upset Emma so all three of us were crying and screaming. I muscled Sophia into bed only to have her challenge me and get out. I caved.

I let her sleep in our bed until Phillip returned home later that evening.

When Phillip went into our room to move Sophia from our bed to hers, she woke up again. It was midnight. This woke me up too. She started protesting again. Full on fit. Round 2! Her crying and screaming woke Emma up.

Both tanturms were just awful. It made me angry that I planned and did special things with her earlier in the weekend.  Angry that I yelled at her. Angry that I give in. Angry that I allow her to manipulate me.

I carried this anger with me throughout the day today. Frustrated that I don't know how to better handle these situations. Concerned that there is something bigger at the root of Sophia's tantrums. Worried that Emma is only absorbing our attitudes and will see these as normal behaviors.

I vowed that I will practice my patience and pray that we can figure out a better way to work through these tantrums and learn how to resolve them in a more calm, loving manner.

Tantrums Vol. 2

We went to the doctor yesterday to try and gain some insight on the tantrums and Sophie's overall health. In addition to her not urinating as frequently as she should she is also very irregular with her bowel movements. Last Friday she was "crapping up the back" and now hasn't had a movement all week. She has had this issue for nearly a year. I think it could contribute to her overall disposition.

The doctor listened to us describe the fits and tantrums and also inquired how we deal with it. I admit I'm the weakling. I would often rather give in to make it stop than stand down to teach her the lesson. I don't always do this but I know that I'm the weak link.

She encouraged continuing some of our current practices-taking toys/favorite things away, putting her in time out in a graduated way (minutes/age or offense) and something that works well with her step-kids...putting them in the shower fully clothed! Her husband uses this tactic with their 7 year old. It totally changes their frame of mind from the bad behavior to "I'm getting wet, and I have all my clothes on." I don't feel quiet comfortable doing this with Sophie just yet. Another suggestion was once a tantrum starts to divert her attention to something else. Helping with something or another activity that will calm her down.

We also had blood drawn to test for lead. We are renting an older home and if you look at all the symptoms differently -not eating regularly, the potty issues, tantrums, etc...it could be a possibility. Yeah! Needles in a 2.5 year old's arm. Not fun. But she actually was a champ.

So we took her back to daycare after the appointment. Gave her and her daycare lady a milkshake. Phillip picked her up after school she was happy and had a good report from daycare. She was pleasant, funny, loving, and cooperative. It was a complete 180 from the previous night and felt good. Then bedtime came.

We read books on the couch and I announced it was time to go to bed. She wanted to sleep on the couch. She wouldn't follow me to her bedroom. We tried the "distraction" method. Phillip came and laid down with her on the couch and was joking with her about squirrels living in his year. They kidded as Phillip pretended to sleep on Sophie and take up all the space on the couch. She calmed down and enjoyed the play. But then really...it was late and time for her to go to bed.

We had to pick her up, screaming and kicking, and bring her to her room. We told her it was time for bed and she wasn't having it. She tried to escape the room. We shut the door and tried to keep her in there but I head stuff falling and didn't want to get hurt. I went back in to try and calm her down. At this point she knocked over her lacrosse sticks, dumped a bin of baby hats and socks waiting for Emma, ripped my glasses off my face and then lay prostrate on the floor on her stomach kicking her legs, flapping her arms and BANGING her head on the hardwood floor. That's when I started crying.

I just grabbed her and hugged. I wouldn't let her go and also pinned her arms down in my grasp so she would stop flailing. After about 15 minutes she calmed down enough to say her prayers and get in bed. She still was protesting having to go to bed (at 9:15 pm!) but she went.

Tantrums

Earlier this week Michelle, of Not Raising Brats, shared with her faithful readers a tantrum of epic proportions that Peanut displayed. She queried her readers to share our toddler's tantrums. I have a "favorite" but then I'm in need of your real advice of how to handle our daily, hourly tantrums that Sophie is throwing. It's not pretty.

The best one yet.

A few weeks ago, post nap, we headed to Target and Lowe's to look for a crib and paint for the girls' room. We generally peruse the toy aisles to look at and touch all the mechanical toys in their plastic display boxes. I was scoping out cribs while Phillip and Sophie looked at the toys. Next stop was the home storage section. While discussing what types of bins we needed to buy Sophie was asking for some sort of ladybug toy. We told her no, not today. Then she demanded to get out of the cart. I let her out and she continued to ask about the toy. When told no again she started to show out, cry, and get angry. We both tried to "reason" with her, explain that we weren't buying toys today and calm her down. This of course made her irate. If memory serves me right she may have started kicking and screaming and trying to escape my grasp. This elevated. I picked her up and told her she needed to behave or we were going home. I'm pretty sure "No! NO! Go Home!" was bellowed from her tiny mouth. At this point the looks started. This fit was going to be big. Kicking and screaming and yelling I viced her crossways across my chest (mind you I'm 37 weeks pregnant at this time too!) and we go marching towards the exit. This trip is officially over. I'm half a football field ahead of Phillip. We get outside, she is still kicking and screaming, I'm doing everything I can to hold on to her, Crocs go flying off her feet and she is now INVERTED in my arms, head down, nearly ready to fall...onto the concrete. The looks from some Target employees on a smoke break were amusing. I'm sure they were trying to figure out if they should intervene, call DSS, or the cops. Phillip rescued me, grabbed the wailing kid and finished the march to the car. About half way home she simmered down and was her normal, generally delightful self. Holy shit that was some tantrum.

Now the daily tantrums.

For the past few weeks tantrums have turned into a daily event. There are a few things I know:
1. She is a toddler. She is 2 years and 10 months old. Tantrums are part of who she is right now.
2. She has been sick. Stomach flu and strep. Still not back 100%.
3. Her life is about to dramatically change. She's getting a sibling.

Here is what is so frustrating. The tantrums are over everything and nothing. She opened the silverware drawer the other day. We closed it. She had a fit.

Phillip had to pump gas. She wanted to get out of the car. He didn't let her. Screaming the whole time he pumped gas, screamed the whole drive home, refused to come in the house, out of the rain, finally came in the house and laid down kicking and screaming.

This morning she wanted milk. She didn't like the cup I choose. Tantrum.

Last week we went to Michael's. She was happy as could be the drive there. Playing with her sunglasses in the back seat, being silly. Once I went to get her out of her seat she started kicking and screaming. Kicked her juice cup out of the cup holder, kicked my coffee cup out of the holder spilling the sludge out of the cup all over the floorboards. No reason what-so-ever for the fit. Just a tantrum.

And she generally fights us on daily tasks. Getting up, getting dressed, brushing hair and teeth, taking her medicine. She wants to control everything and if she doesn't have it her way she has a fit.

We are so frustrated with these tantrums. They are frustrating for her and frustrating for us. We are at the point where we don't know if we are overreacting to her fits, if this is all normal, or if there is something more going on. It is bound to deteriorate our relationship as husband and wife because we are so stressed by her behavior that trying to deal with it is straining our communication and behavior with one another.

We have a doctor's appointment today to have them help shed light on the situation.

TEMPER TANTRUM

It was like a switch turned on and I can't make any sense of it.

Yesterday, after a two hour commute home, I walked in the house to a husband starting dinner and an adorable toddler who was excited and happy to see me. That's what I needed. Less than ten minutes later, that all changed.

The play by play:
Went to the bathroom. "I come wif you mama." Okay, I can handle that.
Went to the bedroom for my ponytail holder and slippers. Sophie followed.
While sitting on the bed putting on the slippers she noticed Phillip's lip balm and asked if she should bring it to him. I said that would be very nice (regardless if he needed it or not.)
Next thing I hear is a crying kiddo coming back to the bedroom telling me she threw the lip balm in the kitchen. I don't even think Phillip was in the kitchen at the time.

Sophie then goes bizurk! She is crying because she threw the lip balm, I ask her why she is getting so upset and that just made things worse. She is just whaling and screaming and crying for no rational reason. I sit on the bed again to try and talk to her, she yells at me not to sit down. I'm trying to put my hair back and she yells at me not to do that. By now Phillip has come back to see what is going on and try to help. He is met by a Sophie monster who wants nothing to do with him and wants him out of the room.

She was unconsoleable and uncontrolable. And by this point I'm in tears and completely perplexed by her behavior. Phillip sequesters her to her room until she can calm down.

In my head, tantrums are cause and effect. The child doesn't get her way= throws a fit. Phillip kept trying to explain to me that tantrums are a childs way of getting attention. I refuted this because she was GETTING attention. She was with me, helping me, hell, she went potty with me. How much more attention does she need?!?

After two rounds with Phillip in the bedroom and more tears than we can count she finally came out, apologized, brought me a kleenex. And we ate dinner.

I just want an explanation.

Discipline Done Wrong

As most of us know being a parent is the toughest job we will ever do and there is no single right way to do it nor is there any sort of actual instruction guide. We just blindly do what we think is right, deal with situations on the fly, perhaps refer to a book written by a doctor or "professional" and hope our kid or ourselves doesn't end up in therapy.

The one thing I do know that is right...is that we are doing it wrong.

The bed time issue that I have talked about numerous times on here and even Not Raising Brats was kind enough to seek advice for me, has turned into a nightmare. And Phillip and I are realizing we both are at odds with one another in how to handle the situation and the correct way to discipline Sophie and correct the behavior.

We aren't coming to blows with one another about the issue but we are doing things two different ways which is causing it's own conflict. Here's the deal:

Most evenings, regardless of who pick's Sophie up from daycare, we are at the house around 5:45p.m. Dinner is being prepped or cooked by 6 p.m., we are eating and cleaning up between 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. Then the bedtime preparations begin.

Some nights we get protest other nights the bath part goes smoothly but everything else falls apart. I'm trying to get Sophie to bed (like in bed, kisses given, books read, lights out) by 8 p.m.

The average adult who doesn't hate kids should realize that 2 hours with your offspring just isn't enough time. So what this had lead to several times of the past few weeks is a complete meltdown-for Sophie and Mama. I'm fighting with Sophie to take her bath or wash her hair. Then we are fighting to get a pull-up and her jammies on. Then we are fighting over how many books to read.

The night I started writing this post I had given Sophie a "sink-bath" and when it was time to get out she protested. I stood my ground and got her out of the sink. She only wanted to play more. So after a tantrum to and from her bedroom, some attempted intervention from Phillip, I just gave in and put her back in the sink. This was at 8 p.m. This wasn't just a simple disagreement. It was a battle of wills. She was screaming, I was screaming, Phillip was now trying to step calmly out of the situation. As Sophie gleefully played with bubbles in the sink I bawled on the floor-so exhausted and clueless about how to really handle the situation.

We finally got Sophie out of the sink, in her PJs, and ready for bed. At this point I was so upset at myself for treating her the way I did and I knew she would continue the fight once it was actually time for her to get in bed we let her sleep with me for a while. I went to bed with her at 8:30p.m. or so.

This leads to the second complication of this whole ordeal. I've been up since 5 a.m., at work and in traffic all day, exhausted, haven't seen Phillip or even decompressed and then I'm going to bed early to appease Sophie and let sleep take care of my problems. All very counter productive.

So this is what I'd like to know: how do YOU deal with discipline? Phillip tries to be firm and set the boundaries but I'm so exhausted and don't have the time nor energy to deal I just given in. We are working at odds with one another.

What do you do? What tricks have you learned? What books written by experts have you read that have helped?

*I started this post on 11/5. Since then we have had less struggles but haven't resolved how to deal with disciplining a 2.5 year old.

One of those nights

Oy vey. This is a much deserved glass of wine.

Sophie came home from daycare demanding juice, water, to look in the cabinet. (Presumably for the forbidden binkie.) She was saying no, disobeying us at every chance, standing on the chair at the dinner table. Threw a pen at me. And then when I took a frozen waffle out of the freezer and she demanded that and I demanded to heat it up (duh) another tantrum ensued. That was the camel that broke the straws back...I mean the straw the broke the camel's back. (Told you it was a good glass of wine;)

Phillip set up the time out chair in the corner. What did I do? Laugh. That nervous, trying to keep a straight face laugh. I'm not handling the discipline portion of parenting very well. I know she shouldn't say NO to us. But when she says it in a mischievous toothy grin sort of way-how can I reprimand her for that? It's just so cute. And wrong.

Oh heaven help me. How am I going to survive all of the future discipline issues we will surely face?