Monday, October 03, 2011

Mom Guilt

I have been in a funk since Saturday night. I feel awful and scared. I can only imagine the invisible scars Sophia is brandishing.

I was handling the kids lone ranger Friday and Saturday night. Friday was a treat for Sophie-dinner and a movie, popcorn on the couch, bedtime at 9:30pm. Just the two of us once Emma was off to sleep.

Saturday was a delight of the senses. Awesome fall weather-cool and crisp, a walk to the bakery for a Red Truck Sugar cookie then off to the Farmer's Market and later in the afternoon shopping for items for her Halloween costume and a stop at Effie's, our favorite ice cream spot. Just the girls. We had a pretty good weekend. Until bedtime Saturday night.

After brushing teeth, washing up, jammies, and books it was bedtime. Sophia protested from the moment I said Bedtime. Kicking, screaming, unyielding to compromise. Stiff body and flailing limbs as I tried to pick her up and put her in bed.
"I don't want to go to bed. "
"I don't want to do anything."
"It's too dark in here."
"I want to keep the light on."
"I'm not tired."

I had set Emma in her crib while dealing with Sophia. Our screaming just upset Emma so all three of us were crying and screaming. I muscled Sophia into bed only to have her challenge me and get out. I caved.

I let her sleep in our bed until Phillip returned home later that evening.

When Phillip went into our room to move Sophia from our bed to hers, she woke up again. It was midnight. This woke me up too. She started protesting again. Full on fit. Round 2! Her crying and screaming woke Emma up.

Both tanturms were just awful. It made me angry that I planned and did special things with her earlier in the weekend.  Angry that I yelled at her. Angry that I give in. Angry that I allow her to manipulate me.

I carried this anger with me throughout the day today. Frustrated that I don't know how to better handle these situations. Concerned that there is something bigger at the root of Sophia's tantrums. Worried that Emma is only absorbing our attitudes and will see these as normal behaviors.

I vowed that I will practice my patience and pray that we can figure out a better way to work through these tantrums and learn how to resolve them in a more calm, loving manner.

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