Thursday, June 23, 2011

My Chakra Is Out of Balance

I don't really know what it means to have my chakra out of balance but that is the best way I can describe what I have been thinking and feeling lately. I feel like I'm going in many different directions while none of them make sense. I feel like I'm maintaining the status quo as a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend. I'm not depressed just not the me I want to be right now.

When I was a teenager I can remember on many occasions bursting into the room where my mom was to tell her the most exciting thing ever or share something I had learned at school or just laugh about the most insignificant thing ever. She would often tell me to always maintain that zest for life and light hearted but deeply connected spirit.

One time after walking home from school in middle school I had to go to the bathroom so bad. The door to the house was locked. Mom came to answer my knock and as I did the potty dance on the front porch indicating how bad I needed to go Mom just kept mimicking me and jokingly indicate she couldn't open the door. Well after a few moments of this...I just couldn't wait anymore. I wet my pants on the front porch. A 14-year old girl peed her pants. Publicly. Most daughters would NEVER SPEAK TO THEIR MOTHER AGAIN! Me? I laughed. We laughed. Hysterically. Mom didn't realize just how bad I needed to go to the bathroom.

I want to experience this all again. Well I can skip public urination but its the feeling of those moments-not caring about being seen. The endorphins rushing my body from laughing so hard. I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to. I don't see or feel the little things in life as I once did. I don't dance in the rain and splash in the puddles. I'm not pushing myself mentally, physically, or spiritually and it is wearing me down.

I have such a strong desire to be a better person-a better mother to my two beautiful daughters, a better wife to my husband, a better sister and daughter to my family, and a better friend to my friends. Hell, I even want to be a better person to complete strangers!

As I sort all of this out my sister has turned me on to an incredible blog, Smile With Your Heart. (How great is that?!?) I have been reading her most recent "challenge" entries and find myself nearly brimming over with tears each time I read it. She is so insightful, intuitive, inspirational, rational and brilliant. Reading her blog has helped me to start deeply reflecting on many of my layers that I want to fix, heal, strengthen. I tear up thinking of the things I know I can achieve and the excitement of the journey I must embark on to get there.

I think one of the reasons I find myself fantasizing about my next pregnancy and birth so much is because of the journey it takes to get there. For me pregnancy is the ultimate journey. Like hiking a trail that you haven't been able to conquer before. The birth is reaching the summit. Emma's birth was remarkable for me because of how different it was from Sophia's birth. I had so much freedom and personal control. And so much excitement and exhilaration. It was also a time of great inner peace and spiritual connection to not only Emma but Sophia, Phillip, and my family. What I'm lacking in life now is that risk and reward. I can't give birth to a baby everyday-so now I need to seek that challenge and excitement in other ways.

I may decide to start a new blog to report on my journey but for now I'll just use this one. "Adventures with Doodle" is part of the journey after all!

What do you do to stay inspired and motivated?

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