Tired

I hate that I haven't been on top of my blogging. I miss sharing glimpses into my life and interesting things I've observed or thought about. I'm just tired.

Part of the exhaustion is to be expected-a 7.5 month old, a toddler, a working mom, a wife, a husband, a commuter. There just isn't enough time in the day. In the evenings after dinner is made, kids are bathed, preparations for the next day are done I'm all out of air and can hardly hold up a book or push the buttons on the remote.

I don't like feeling this way and everything is suffering.

Piles to go through in nearly every room. Laundry that seems to take forever to put away. Papers that need to be filed. Halloween costumes that need to be completed. Way too many overdue library books and fines to pay.

I've been so mentally tired that I have a hard time churning up good ideas to write about. At work there has been an unresolved issue I've been collaborating on with a very articulate, detail oriented, driven colleague and I'm just the middle man. I'm thankful he has the situation under control because I just don't have the mental energy to comprehend the lengthy back and forth emails discussing the issue.

I don't really see an end in the near future to the exhaustion. I just have to keep on keepin' on but would love your coping mechianisms. What do you do to stay focused? Stay alert? Be menatlly awake enough to be mentally challenged?

Three cups of coffee a day isn't sustainable!

Looking forward

Anyone who knows me or has read this blog knows that I am passionate about pregnancy, birth, motherhood and all that encompasses these topics. I'm an advocate for pregnancy and birth education and just being informed about all of the options that are available to women and their families. I am an advocate for breastfeeding and think it is the right thing to do but fully recognize it is not for everyone, it doesn't always come naturally, and it doesn't always work.

One thing I'm certain of on my quest to "figure it out" is that I know what my passion is and I'm pretty sure I have discovered my "calling." I want to be involved in the maternal health care/women's health and wellness field. My end goal is to become a midwife. I want to let woman know there are alternatives to doctors and hospitals. That they can have more control over their pregnancy and birth experiences. Or at least fully understand what both worlds have to offer.

I can't just up and quit my job to make this happen. But in small ways and large I can take steps towards making this dream a reality. One way I can start on this journey is to become a lactation consultant. This is no easy feat but will help me to become a very well rounded midwife some day and can serve a purpose to make my life more fulfilling in the mean time.

I spoke with lactation consultant, Amber McCann of Nourish, today and feel energized to do my homework and start working toward becoming a lactation consultant. When I thought about this career path after having Sophia I wasn't told 'no' but that it would be difficult to achieve if I wasn't a nurse or already in the health care field. The conversation today proved this wrong!

She told me there need to be more "peers" in the field and not just clinicians. More young people and not just 60 year old women who can't connect with today's moms. More people who want to reach out to undeserved populations to encourage breastfeeding.

Speaking with her gave me a fresh outlook on where I can take my career and how it can dovetail with my family life. I am so excited at the possibility and opportunity that lies ahead of me!

Back to work

So I survived my first week back to work. I didn't realize how much I had disconnected from work and connected to being a new mom again. I forgot several of my passwords for sites and programs that I use everyday! I even had to have our network administrator reset my network password - that also controls our email. Now I'm back on track.

I'm up at 4:30am to nurse and pump and get everything ready for my day. Some days this is easier than others. Emma had been doing GREAT sleeping (knock on wood, cross your fingers, do whatever you do to keep my good fortune coming) through the night. She was sleeping 8 or 9 pm to 4, 5, or 6 am. That is very manageable. And then the other shoe dropped. Most of the week she would wake at midnight, 1 or 2am...just to keep things interesting. We'll see if this pattern continues this week.

The girls were home last week with our super attentive, organized, Betty Crocker babysitter. This week and the remainder of the summer they get Papacare! It is taking them all to get a little used to the routine. I called home yesterday to see how it was going and Emma was crying and Sophia was clamoring for Phillip's attention. He seemed a little stressed out be managed to get things under control. I received a phone call when I was less than a mile from home with a stern warning to be very quiet when I came in...two babies were sleeping on the floor. Emma was in here chair and Sophia was indeed napping on the floor on her blankets. At 4pm....You win some you loose some.

I would rather be home with my girls but that's not an option for now. So I'll just keep on keeping on and rush home to my squishy babies.

Maternity leave and transitions

This is my last week of maternity leave. As always, it has gone by way to fast. The days have been filled with a baby and toddler, lots of visitors, trips to Ohio and North Carolina, learning the balancing act, photos, snuggles, bubbles and sidewalk chalk, trips to the park and lots of love.

I hate this week because I have to face the fact that I am a full-time working mom. I wish our family/work/life situation allowed us to afford being a SAHM or WAHM but right now it doesn't it.

I sent Sophia to daycare for the full day today so Emma and I could hang out just the two of us. I wanted to spend the whole day just nursing her and staring at her. We did a lot of that but because she is pretty content just to be fed I had to do a lot of other household chores today too. Currently she is sound asleep in her swing sucking on her fingers and just generally being an angel. The love I have for my two girls overwhelms me sometimes.

The love I have for them breaks my heart that I have to leave them each day and go to work. But I realize that because of this love I MUST work.

I'm also having a difficult time with our transition for Sophia's daycare next year. She will be going to full day preschool where my husband works because they offer full tuition remission for the first child. This will save us a lot of money. Emma will go to the daycare Sophia is currently attending. I have struggled with the fact that Sophia will be in her fourth care/learning environment in three years. That she will be with new kids again and leaving her old friends behind at the daycare. That she won't be with her little sister during the day. That her little sister will be dropped off first and I fear she will be like "hey, why am I not going with her?" Sophia LOVES Miss Jackie and Miss Ellen so much!

We have the summer ahead of us and my husband will be with the girls nearly everyday but come fall I'm just not ready for the changes. Everyone keeps telling me that it is good for Sophie to be so flexible and adaptable but I'm having problems with it.

Well I guess I better go stare at Emma for a bit before we have to get Sophia. I'll enjoy the heck out of these next few days.

Perils of a working mom

On my way to work this morning I received a phone call from my husband. It was 7:05 am. "We're a bit cranky this morning, I want to try something."

On the line comes a sweet, tired, tiny, "hello" from Sophia. I tried asking questions-how she slept, if she'd seen Hat (our Elf on the Shelf), if she was going to be good for Papa. She responded with small "yeses" and told me she loved me - "Wuv you too mama."

Great. Phillip came back on the line and I asked "Did she ask for me this morning?" Yes. This was after a night in which we went to sleep in my bed, Phillip tried to move her, she insisted on getting back into bed with me, Phillip was going to sleep on the couch, I convinced her to sleep in her bed with my pillow. And, because I'm on overnight duty in the dorm I won't see her until tomorrow and be gone again tomorrow night.

I was then in tears. I'm sure that's not the outcome Phillip had hoped for. One of us may have felt comforted, but the other feels a heartache greater than you can imagine.

How much income can we live on? Is there another way to manage the joys and sorrows of being a working mother? All I wanted to do was turn the car around and go home to my sweet baby girl. I'm pretty sure she misses me as much as I miss her during the day.